The last four years have been full of lessons for me. That’s no shock, of course. Learning as we go is part of the deal, but it’s good to know I’m capable of seeing the folly of my ways, and adjusting.
Yes, adjusting. Much easier said than done. Like muscle memory or bad habits, we don’t always do what’s necessary at the precise moment it becomes such. And it’s this lag time that tends to be the most painful, during which so much turmoil abounds. Knowing we need saving is not the same as admitting that we are both the victim and the perpetrator. That the saving we require is from ourselves. That admission was a few years in the making for me, but it’s good to know it. Good to be on this side of it.
And so I’m just a few details away from obtaining my single subject teaching credential (Social Studies). Nearly 5 months into my demonstration teaching, I can rightly claim victory to just one small thing…I’m moving forward. That’s it. I shed the weight of a million tiny things that would have me stand still in perpetuity, and I discovered, again, the immense gift of creation. The undeniable power that we recapture by virtue of doing rather than sitting idly by, being done to. Watching. Consuming what others have to offer.
With so little teaching under my belt, I can’t even touch the teacher I know I’m capable of being. I don’t resemble that person at all. Not yet. Not even close. But I can still see him. In my mind’s eye I hold him up, turn him this way and that, examine him from every conceivable angle (and perhaps a few inconceivable ones) and know that he is me. I am him. One day. Not soon, maybe, but soon enough.
Leaving the shelter of preconceived notions is never, ultimately, as hard as it always seemed. The trick is believing it before you know it to be true. Making that departure before you feel like there’s no other choice.