My dark side

by Jeb on 05/31/2009

in Reflection

Sorry if I teased you in with that title. Because the thing is, you’ve already seen it. This blog has been fairly heavy since its inception, and that’s much the reason I’ve not been writing much lately. Heavy is hard.

I spent a good number of years holding that dark side in. Ignoring it. Pretending it wasn’t there. And I put up a damn good front, I don’t mind saying. This blog changed things for me in that regard. Suddenly I had a place to talk about the things I fear. The things that worry me. The parts of my past that caused me to hold that dark side in for so long. And which gave me the dark side in the first place.

As I’ve been mostly silent over the past couple weeks, it occurred to me that I’d been a bit like an overflowing latrine, offering up plenty of muck, but not much else. And while a stopped up toilet is a part of life we all deal with from time to time, nobody wants to do so every day. Not even a plumber.

Don’t get me wrong, there was plenty causing the blockage, and I can’t confirm that it’s all clear. But I think, perhaps, I’ve mischaracterized myself a bit over the past few months. Yes, I have things which need tending, but I also have a damn good life and believe it or not, I’m happy most of the time. Goofy, even.

So I think I need to redefine this space a bit, for my own good. While certainly I gain from getting my thoughts out as they concern what ails me, the benefit pales in comparison to the inspiration I find in even the simplest of pleasures. And as you surely know, reaching within, struggling to express a deep and dark secret, takes its toll. Like catching a cold, the effects linger, make it more difficult to travel down the path.

My greatest joys in life emanate from Tess and my boys, from being in nature, running or taking pictures, from writing in such a way that my true self is revealed, or that reveals an entirely new creation (fiction). And, perhaps a bit oddly, from skateboarding. These things are a much bigger part of me, of who I am today, than anything I’ve written here at HTM to date. I think it’s time to fill in some of the blanks.

Perhaps this is just my natural progression. Shining light first on the parts that need it most, and coming away with a deeper appreciation for the light itself.

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{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }

Bamboo Forest - PunIntended 05/31/2009 at 12:02 pm

I think self expression blogs are pretty cool. So many blogs on how to do this better and that better, etc. It’s refreshing to see blogs on other things. They’re definitely interesting to read about too. And in some ways seem more rare.

Get Bamboo Forest - PunIntended’s content here..Thought of the Day

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Jeb 05/31/2009 at 4:41 pm

That’s a great point BF. All the How To’s and Top 10s of the world do little for me…well, other than make me feel bad, like I don’t measure up. At least my personal rantings help me. :) Thanks for the comment bud.

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Ryan 05/31/2009 at 3:22 pm

Recently I’ve become more inner-focused in life, really trying to see what little change I could make that would have outward benefits to my life. In this process, only self-expression blogs (as Bamboo put it) appeal to me. They are the only ones who seem genuine.

I love how you are reevaluating what you share, and I hope you remember that your writing on this blog isn’t about one topic or one version of Jeb as you would hope to be now or in the future, but that this blog is you in the present, reflecting on the past and dreaming about the future. That kind of stuff is genuine. That kind of stuff inspires me.

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Jeb 05/31/2009 at 4:54 pm

Hey Ryan,
Couldn’t agree more. When I first started blogging, I subscribed to dozens of blogs, many just because I felt they had hints and tips on things I needed to know. Similar dynamic on Twitter early on. Since then (recently, mostly) I’ve really cut back on the inputs. Just too much information, when the truth is, the only ones that help me are those that speak in a very personal voice, detail their travels along a unique path that nonetheless have lessons for me.

I’m thankful you find HTM worthy of your attention bud.

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Richard Reeve 06/02/2009 at 6:26 am

In my reading lately I’ve been struck by a passage that went something like: neither a or b, but all…(I think that fits here.)

Get Richard Reeve’s content here..…Opposition

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Jeb 06/02/2009 at 1:06 pm

I think that fits very nicely Richard. I’ve not previously managed much of a balance between the ‘all’, but I think that’s beginning to change. Or so it seems. And I’m hoping to reflect that change here at HTM.

Thank you sir…

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Henie 06/02/2009 at 4:33 pm

You know, you writings are as raw and powerful as they can be! I love coming here and re-discovering all the different parts of you and along the way, pick up a thing or two for me to learn from. That’s the bonus, as your friendship really means a lot to me.

I have this quote (not surprising) that goes like this:

“You can’t change the world for you but you can change you for the world!” ~Henie~

Get Henie’s content here..Does Heaven Really Have A Door?

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Jeb 06/03/2009 at 2:08 pm

Thank you Henie…and I love that quote. It suggests such potential, and I’m beginning to see the critical importance that potential - and the recognition thereof - plays in a life well-lived.

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Lisa 06/20/2009 at 3:55 pm

This year has been kinda hard for me… nothing tragic or awful has happened, but I’ve been in a kind of funk nonetheless. Maybe it has something to do with my house being empty now that my son has moved away… but I have had a lot of time to reflect on my life - mistakes I’ve made, things I’ve accomplished.

For the most part, I think I’ve done ok. The important thing is no matter what happens, what sidesteps you take on your life path, that you pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and move forward. My favorite quote in this regard is “Success consists of getting up just one more time than you fall.”

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Jeb 06/22/2009 at 10:29 am

Fantastic quote. And I have another one for you that I just heard last night from none other than Rocky Balboa (it was from Rocky LXVI, I think). “It’s not how hard you get hit, but how hard you can get hit and still stand up and keep moving forward.”

There are plenty of ways to get knocked down, and eve more ways to wallow in your own misery. And while both of those things, I think, are requisite to the process of succeeding, neither are worth entertaining too long.

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